flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
This is what makes twitter great
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My neck, my back, my…
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*seductively eats two tums*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke