Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

😂

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

My humor is broken

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.