My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me