Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

[montage of me giving-up]

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.