Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Worth a try

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.