Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Boating season is upon us.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste