Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

I love twitter

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Lmao 🤣

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?