Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

😞

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…