Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Why soy sad?
