Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.