Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Always 🥴

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

This guy’s not having it 😆

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

I beg you to euthanise me

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?