Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.