has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
You Might Also Like
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
