My god she’s good.
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.