Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

When they try to steal your moment.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.