Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

ㅤ

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

So creative 😂

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it