Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.