Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

This could be us but you eatin’

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

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