Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
You Might Also Like
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Grandmother clock.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.