NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
an airline just for babies.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Be vigilant
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?