I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing