On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours