You Might Also Like
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.