Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.