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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
pelicons
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I will never stop laughing at this
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.