Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

set yourself free xox

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still