Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

finally

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.