Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup