It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Cardio Made Easy
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
This a good idea
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
our love story in four pictures
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.