Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.