Pretty much! 😂👀
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Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.