My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Check your privilege
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
how to market bottled water to dads
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Home is where your toilet is.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
happy halloween
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Sell your car
