Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.