It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
You Might Also Like
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.