Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

no way 😭

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.