Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”