Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash