we all know this pain all too well
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I cannot call her anything else now
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother