Me My dog
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“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Risking my life for fun.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.