God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Suuuuure
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My birth announcement for our third baby
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine