Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

🤣

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?