“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no