Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.