“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.