My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“You’d better run, egg!”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
