Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I can also cook 😂
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.