Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

Never be a pizza!

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision