Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.