My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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every single time
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
The “baby” on the left….
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out