There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.